


Sometimes, He Cries.

by storming_wolf



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, POV Victor Nikiforov, Recovery, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 13:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9387419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storming_wolf/pseuds/storming_wolf
Summary: Yuri struggles with his mental health, Viktor is slowly learning how to help him cope.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This does contain mentions of self harm and suicide. Read with caution if this may trigger you.

Sometimes, after practice, Yuri is happy. Despite the few mistakes, any improvement is a step closer to the gold, and he's happy with the progress we've made, as am I. I couldn't be more proud of Yuri as his coach and lover, but as a competitor, I feel threatened. The coach and lover side of me is happy to be threatened.

As we make our way home, walking in silence with our fingers linked together, I see his smile slowly fade. I want to ask him what's wrong, but I refrain. He'll talk to me. His hands grow cold and he starts to bite his lower lip. I can almost see a tear forming in his eyes.

“I'm gonna shower first,” he says as I unlock the door to our apartment. Makkachin greets us, Yuri quickly pats her head and goes on to the bathroom. Makkachin looks at me, knowingly. I kneel down and ruffle her fur. 

“Our Yuri is just tired Makka. He's okay,” I say, and hope. I hold Makkachin close before giving my muscles a chance to relax by lounging on the couch, Makkachin curling into my side as I stretch out.

The shower is running and I close my eyes. Once Yuri is relaxed and once I am showered, we'll make a plan for dinner and rest up for the night. Maybe we'll stay up late watching a movie.

After 10 minutes, I start to worry. Yuri never takes long to shower unless...

I want to give Yuri his space. I'll talk to him once he opens up, that's how it's always been and that's how Yuri liked it, but I can't help but worry about my lover. After 15 minutes, I nudge a now sleeping Makkachin aside and make my way into the bathroom. I knock before entering the bathroom, gasping at the sight I’m greeted with.

Yuri doesn't look at me from his spot on the shower floor. He stares at the water flowing down the drain, tinged with pink. He holds his arm out and hands me the razor.

“I'm so-” he begins to speak, his voice breaking as he chokes out a sob. I swat the razor from his hand and climb into the shower with him. I hold him tightly as he slowly begins to release sobs into my chest. I ensure the cuts aren't deep and let him cry it out.

I'm not sure how long we sat like this, but the water is cold against my skin. I shut off the flow and pull Yuri up, carrying him to the countertop. I sit him on the edge as I go through the cabinet and get bandages.

We say nothing as I dry him off and dress the wounds on his thighs.

I peel the wet clothes off my body and bring dry pyjamas into the bathroom for us to put on. I help dress him and carry him to bed. I hold him there under the covers and pull him close to my chest. Makkachin enters the room and snuggles against him.

This isn't the first time we've done this before, but I never know what will happen next. Sometimes, Yuri goes to sleep, or we talk it out, or we just lie there.

Sometimes, he cries.

Yuri is crying and I want to cry for him. My precious love is once again tormented by the lies in his head. The godforsaken illness plagued his mind with negativity and self hatred. 

Mari told me he's always been like this, ever since he was a young teen. He had never gone as far as to try and take his own life, but his depression had gotten him scarily close before.  _ “Watch out for my brother, please?”  _  Her words filled my mind as I held him to my chest.

Phichit told me he had learned of Yuri’s depression while they were roommates. He came to their room to find Yuri panicking because he had cut too deep. He took him to hospital and walked with him to therapy every week.  _ “If he starts getting bad again...I’ll be on the first flight to Russia.” _

I caught wind of Yuri’s depression when I first began to train him. I didn’t know the full extent of it until his breakdown at the Cup of China when I had carelessly toyed with his unstable emotions to try and get him to skate with more emotion. That night at the hotel, when we had to talk about the kiss and what it meant for our relationship, he told me everything.

He was 14 when he had first hurt himself. He said it was the only way to get the voices to stop. He had first done it with his skates, on the palm of his hand, but eventually resorted to his thighs. It was an endless cycle he had dealt with for 10 years. He would be okay, spiral into anxiety attacks and fall into depression, and then hurt himself to reset the cycle.  _ “I-It just made everything stop hurting so my body could focus on the pain from the cut...and that hurt less than the thoughts…it makes no sense, but I just can't take being alone with my thoughts. I'd rather bleed out than deal with it all. It just hurts all the time..." _

I don’t know how to make it not hurt for him, but how I wanted to find the answer.

“It's not your fault,” Yuri sobs suddenly. “Should've talked to you…”

“Shhh, lyubov,” I try to comfort him. I've never been good in these situations, but I've been learning. Letting Yuri cry always helps.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask gently.

“It's so stupid though,” Yuri scoffs.

“If it's making you this upset, it must be important,” I say. He's silent for a while.

“I dunno, it just all came down on me suddenly,” Yuri whispers. I tighten my grip around his waist. “The mid training meltdown where I realise I'm never going to be good enough.”

“That's not true dorogoy,” I say. “That's so very far from true.”

“I couldn't even win you a gold medal,” Yuri raises his voice a little, his sobs starting to grow. “I always let my anxiety get to me and I do stupid stuff to myself like this.”

“Shhh,” I kiss his forehead. “It's not stupid. I don't want you doing it, but I know you're not gonna stop overnight. We need to tell those voices to stop, because they lie to you my Yuri. Your mind tells you such terrible lies and I only wish you could see what I see, because you are so beautiful my love.”

“It's going to be okay,” I press my head against his as he curls into my chest. “We'll get through this together.”

“But what about your gold medal…you stopped skating for me and I just failed again and again,” Yuri starts to drift back into the darkness. "I'm never going to be as good as you. I'm never going to win a gold medal...I don't even know why you put up with me."

“No, no, Yuri. None of that is true. I love you so much because you're Yuri Katsuki, the man who exceeds my wildest imaginations, and my world record by the way,” I remind him. He smiles as I stroke his cheek. “And I don't need a gold medal. I have the best round and golden object right here.” I point to the engagement ring on my hand and kiss it dearly.

“Thank you Viktor,” he whispers. It hurts me how much he hurts and how little there is I can do. But I do what I can and I let him know he's so far from being alone and unloved. And sometimes for Yuri, that's enough.

The wounds will heal. Seven days clean will eventually turn into seven years. But Yuri and I take his recovery one day at a time.

Sometimes, he cries. And he's stronger because of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Agh I'm bad with words. I wrote this mid mental breakdown, and I hope it makes sense. I kind of wrote it based on my own mental breakdown, where I was happy and then all of a sudden just spiraled down, it was a pretty good coping mechanism. 
> 
> TRANSLATIONS (I used the phonetic writings for easier reading):  
> lyubov - love  
> dorogoy - darling


End file.
